You won’t hear any thing about this in the fake news, nor the faux news for that matter. Why is that? It’s because a NRA member (see note below) used a gun to protect his family, friends and property from a boogie man last night.
Note: By NRA “member”, I mean I signed up once and paid my dues because Moses inspired us all to get a grip on our guns, even in death. That, and the fact that I got a free sticker (made in China) and a complimentary genuine Bowie Knife (made in Korea) for signing up.
P.S. – Weird thing is that they expect you to keep paying those dues – every year! The way I understand it, they need your hard earned money so it can be mixed together with Russian Oligarch’s money so it comes out clean as a whistle. It’s then used to finance political campaigns for those that will protect our “God Given” 2nd Amendment rights and make sure common sense gun control laws never see the light of day. I think they also use some of the money sent by true Patriots and Russians to produce internet memes and other propaganda that ridicules and belittles kids that have had their schools shot up and classmates/teachers/coaches killed.
Read more about where your dues go here – https://www.outsideonline.com/2328866/its-time-hunters-leave-nra?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=facebookpost
Now back to my heroic tale. As the sun was setting last night, I was on the back patio enjoying the evening with a glass of bourbon and my trusty guard dog by my side, ever watchful for prowlers, ne’er-do-wells, evil-doers, etc. You know the type – Non-Americans, Democrats, Snowflakes. The type that are always looking to inflict rules of some sort, or worse yet, forget to say “under god” when they recite the Pledge, still watch NFL games on TV, and say mean and hurtful things about POTUS – the worst type of scumbags.
As I sat there, enjoying my inalienable rights to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, a masked bandit approached from the east and proceeded to walk right through the back yard! He passed within 10 feet of my trusty guard dog, just along the brush line. Old Gunner’s hackles raised and a low growl began, but he wasn’t about to let go of his chew toy. The evil critter slipped into the brush, only to re-appear a couple minutes later. He was casing the house and planning his assault. I checked in on the women folk (gabbing away in the house) and made sure the children were OK (playing badminton out front).
Gunner and I sprung into action – me holding tight to my bourbon and Old Gunner still carrying his chew toy. The bandit was treed and had nowhere to run. I went back to the house for reinforcement and convened the war council. We quickly came to the consensus that actions by this perpetrator could not go unpunished (three chickens killed and numerous bowls of cat food devoured in past couple months).
While the ladies and Gunner kept an eye on the invader, I raced into the house and ran upstairs to the gun safe. I then ran back downstairs to find my keys to the gun safe and returned again to unlock the safe (never spilling a drop of bourbon along the way). I moved the boxes and containers blocking the door of the safe and made my choice of weapon and ammo. Finding nothing with a bump-stock or magazine capable of holding more than 5 rounds – I settled for the 4-10 shotgun. Being conscious of time, I opted not to change into full tactical gear (confederate flag breathable underwear, finger-less leather gloves, wife-beater/sleave-less flack jacket, MAGA skull cap, etc.) Back outside in just my civvies, the threat was quickly abated. Thoughts and prayers were offered. Calm and silence returned to the night.
In retrospect, even though successful thwarting of the threat ensued, it wasn’t very efficient. The guard dog is pretty much useless, which should probably be expected from a Labrador/Sheppard mix – (Canadian/Australian and likely some French in there too). Had this been an invasion by ISIS, Bad Hombres, or Millennial with a man-bun and his pants falling down, things may not have turned out so well. If I’m not able to speed up the process soon, the new plan will be to invite them in, have the dog fetch them my slippers, turn on a ball game, and give them an IPA. They’ll be so distracted that I’ll have time to find my keys, move the boxes, change into full battle uniform and handle the situation the ‘Merican way!
Enough writing for the day, I’m off to scatter some soy bean seeds in the pasture so I can get a cut of the “winnings” from the new trade deals. Then I’ll be able to afford a new big screen TV so I can watch the parade in honor of our lord/savior/aspiring president for life this fall. It’ll have way higher ratings than Monday Night Football. I bet our new BFF’s in Russia and North Korea will be watching too.